Skillr Profile: Isabelle Metcalf
Isabelle Metcalf is a holistic counselor and certified relationship coach sharing her expertise on the SKILLR App. She leverages her background in psychology to help people identify and break unhelpful dating patterns so they can find the love they’re looking for. She spoke with us about how she got into relationship coaching, red flags and why education is so important when it comes to love and relationships.
Alexa Goins: Okay, so we can get started. To start out could you tell me your name, your pronouns and what you do on SKILLR?
Isabelle Metcalf: My name is Isabelle Metcalf. My pronouns are she/her and I am a dating coach on SKILLR.
Alexa Goins: Awesome. Where did your passion for relationship and dating coaching come from?
Isabelle Metcalf: So I started out this whole process by wanting a career in psychology. As I was pursuing it I realized that most people, their happiness either lies from financial gains, success in the workplace or from finding a relationship, getting married, having a family, so from love. And I wanted to focus on those that wanted to find love because I realized that in the pursuit of love, there's really not enough help.
Isabelle Metcalf: You go to school for six, 10 years to find a career but when it comes to love, you're out there on your own. Heartbreak, it's so painful and it bleeds into all areas of your life, where now you are not interacting with your friends, your relationships with your family are being affected, your career's being affected. And it's just unfortunate that there's not more support and guidance for those trying to find love.
Alexa Goins: That is so true. I never thought about it that way, like you have so much support in so many other areas of your life and educational foundations and you don't really for love.
Isabelle Metcalf: Right.
Alexa Goins: That's a really interesting way to think about it and inspiring that's what got you into this.
Isabelle Metcalf: Yeah. I, myself have been through many heartbreaks, divorce and literally I think for most people, the immediate support system is your family and friends, but their experience and the support that they give you is limited by their own experience. And then it comes to a point where they're like, "I'm just tired of hearing it. I know he broke your heart. I'm sorry. Get over it." So I think we need a lot more than just that.
Alexa Goins: Right. Have you been able to do any Skillr calls yet?
Isabelle Metcalf: Yes, I have.
Alexa Goins: Awesome. What do you normally discuss on a Skillr call?
Isabelle Metcalf: So it varies, anything from setting up a profile to, "How do I know which match to pick. I have all these matches from online dating, but I don't know which one to go for, to I don't know if this is the right fit," things of that nature.
Alexa Goins: And then I noticed in your Skillr profile, you mentioned that you help people coming out of narcissistic relationships. So I'm curious, what are some red flags people can look for to avoid narcissistic partners?
Isabelle Metcalf: So with narcissistic partners, narcissists are great manipulators and it's really difficult. Even myself, with my education and background, I was in a narcissistic relationship. I would encourage everybody to look for the red flags early on before you are charmed by them, before they love bomb you. And those red flags can be something as simple as how they treat those around them, so how they interact with the waiter, with the staff.
Isabelle Metcalf: Also, I encourage my clients to share a story that would invoke an empathetic response like, "Oh, when I was 15, I lost my dog. And that was so traumatic." Because narcissists, they don't feel emotions like you and I. So when it comes to empathy, they'll glaze over it and give you a very generic reply of, "Oh, I'm sorry." And then try and move on. I would pay attention to things of that nature. And also their friends.
Isabelle Metcalf: Narcissists, their friendships are very transactional. So who they consider friends may be employees or people that have no choice but to be their friends. And it's not the type of friendship where the person turns to them for advice or in time of need. It's more of, "What can I get from you and what can you do for me in return."
Alexa Goins: That's interesting. Yeah, I think those are red flags, other than love bombing, that I haven't really heard before. So those are good to hear. What does a typical day look like in your profession?
Isabelle Metcalf: Right now I have clients from my own websites and such. So typically my days are filled with one hour sessions, but in between I do get Skillr calls. Those vary in times, sometimes they're five minutes, sometimes 10.
Alexa Goins: On SKILLR, we're all about learning and growing and taking small steps to gain new knowledge and skills. So I'm curious, what's one thing you're learning about or interested in learning more about right now?
Isabelle Metcalf: I like to stay on top of the research. There's a lot of research done about relationships, about narcissistic abuse. So I like to stay on top of the literature. I also have a background in psychological research. So I utilize that to really stay on top of the latest studies.
Alexa Goins: Yeah. I think that's so important, especially even when you are an expert in something or professional, you still have so much to learn every day because everything, life is always changing.
Isabelle Metcalf: Yeah.
Alexa Goins: That's great. What would be some common challenges that your clients run into?
Isabelle Metcalf: I think that it's old patterns. We all have a certain type of person that we go for and it's hard to break that pattern. We tend to stick with the same type of person. And yeah, that's the biggest challenge is just trying to teach people how to go for a new type of person, open their mind to new possibilities in relationships.
Alexa Goins: I have one more question.
Isabelle Metcalf: Yeah.
Alexa Goins: What would you say to people who want to learn more about how to date well, that are maybe nervous or confused about where to get started?
Isabelle Metcalf: So as I was saying before, don't be nervous because we all need support in this. This is so important to find your best match, your ideal match, your soulmate, whatever it is you want to call them and not really waste time and effort for narcissistic and toxic people because that will affect your outlook on the world and outlook on relationships.
Isabelle Metcalf: It's really important to have a trained professional there who can give you a subjective opinion and guide you in the right direction. And really, I think I've spoken to other Skillrs. They're also kind and loving. This is a great community honestly. I love it.
Alexa Goins: I'm so glad. Yeah, everyone that I've met from Skillrs to staff has been so wonderful.
Isabelle Metcalf: Yes, truly.
Alexa Goins: Those are all the questions I have. Is there anything else that you want to say about yourself, about dating, about SKILLR.
Isabelle Metcalf: No, I think we've covered it. Again, I'm really happy to have joined SKILLR. I love the community. I love the support and I think I'm very lucky to be a part of it.
Alexa Goins: Thank you so much for your time. This was so lovely.
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